I’m like “With a cloth?”
So, the question of the day is how to wipe your hard drive.
First, what is a hard drive? It is that thing on a computer that works by spinning around. Every computer has one, unless it is the kind that doesn’t have one. They all spin, except for those that do not spin.
Second, what is a wipe? That is where a computer technician gets your hard drive and tells you that it doesn’t work any more (which is most of the time). You will now need a new hard drive, and that costs about $250. Yes, that includes installation.
Third, what is a wiper? That is a thingie in the Ether which allows all of the bits to suddenly disappear, and go somewhere else. Think about it. If you have a book that you wrote, and it was on your hard drive, and then it went away, where did it go? Einstein says it has to go somewhere. Obviously, it went into the Ether. The Ether is full of books.
Fourth, what is an electronic wipe? It is a piece of tissue with cleaner on it, much like Armorall Protectant, except we are not trying to protect your data, we are trying to remove it. Make sure you get the right ones. They come in a package of about 40 electronic wipes for 99 cents.
Fifth, why do you need to wipe your hard drive? Simply, if someone is snooping around the server in your basement, you can just delete everything, to be sure you don’t get caught. Maybe you want to do a backup, but then that would ruin what you want to do. Sometimes it is a good idea to delete everything on your computer, like when someone knocks on your door.
Sixth, who should do the wipe? You can do it yourself, or hire an expensive computer technician for $40 an hour to do it. If you do it, the file just goes into the recycle bin. If the technician does it, he not only deletes it, he empties your recycle bin, then may defrag your hard drive, which resets the pointers, so the computer can’t find anything.
Seventh, how exactly do you do it? Simply, take one of the electronic wipes, remove the hard drive, and wipe it carefully. The residue will just go away into the Ether. Or, you can just wipe off the top of your computer, where the dust collects. Dust is the main culprit for causing hard drives to fail.
Eighth, how many computers do you need for an email fileserver? About ten. One for the 16,000 emails you might receive every day. You obviously do not read 16,000 emails every day, so you need a server with a huge hard drive. A one terabyte hard drive should do it, which costs about $125. You then need a server with a smaller hard drive to hold the 2 emails per week you get from your husband, and you do not want to have them mixed in with the 16,000 you get every day. You don’t want to miss the email from your husband, because he might want to take you out to lunch. Another server is used to store important emails from important people. You just cannot tell when you will receive an email from someone important. The other servers are just used to do other tasks, like a To-Do list.
Executive Summary: Although some computer geeks may think this story is just sarcasm, it is really how some people think. We should not assume that old people are computer literate. We should not assume that someone who plays Pokemon is computer literate because they found a Pikachu on the Santa Monica Pier. The guys in Silicon Valley want a person who does not know how computers work, because then they will not write legislation which defines the risks involved in wiping a secure server. A person who is computer savvy will just download all of your files from the white Chevy Van parked out in front of your apartment today. They might wipe your computer for you. For free.